Another Brick In The Wall

I stand there sheepishly staring at the ground in front of a darkness, an unknown, a horrible place that every triathlete knows.  Most talk about all the time they spend in there but, do they?  Really?  Entering is sometimes the hardest part. But, not really once you enter.  It's not easy.  I know how much I want to go in but, I know what's in store once I commit.  It's worth it though.  I need to be there.  No choice unless I like losing.  What hurts more? 
I commit to the first step, it's not so bad. Except a fear starts to well up inside. What if I don't make it in.  What if I slip on the way?  What if I go and quit?  What does that say about me?
40 minutes later and I haven't crossed over.  I'm alone. Pushing myself towards a place of uncertainty.  
But, there's still something, someone calling me.  It seems like I'm being pushed and pulled at the same time.  I pick up the pace.  I'm going to need the confisdence to make the jump.  Damn, it hurts though.  My ears are starting to ring a bit. Balls of sweat are flinging off my elbows, leaving small puddles where ever they land.  Oddly, the tops of my feet feel warm and tingly but, my kneecaps feel cold.  I'm thinking I'm ready.  I'm looking for some hokey motivational quote or some type of inspiration.  The hard part is coming, the harder part is staying.  I'm envisioning one of those people who jump through fire or walk over hot coals.  It's really nothing like that at all but, that's what I think.  Not to much is clear right now.  Everything is dark in my periferal.  My vision is somewhat skewed.  Leaving me just enough focus to not run into something.  All I can hear is my own breathing and I feel my heart beating in my ears.  Pretty hard too but, most of the pain is gone.  Don't get me wrong this hurts, just not like it did a minute ago.  Now the clock starts.  This is when I can make a difference I think.  I think.
Did I make it?  Who's talking to me?  I know I am alone.  I think I am.  Who am I talking to?
It's the sweetspot...the 30 seconds of freedom right before I enter the metaphoric pain cave. 
Pain Cave? Woodshack? Hurt Locker? Suffer Dungeon? I usually say I'm layin another brick building this shithouse. What is it? It's a place we go to make big gains.  It's not the 5 minutes of a 150 bpm that most guys brag was their big bad ass day.  It's getting there and staying there.  Pushing that 170 bpm and not backing dow. Forcing yourself to handle it. Waiting for your body to control itself.  Get ready for the long haul because I am certainly not giving in so the rest of my body needs to understand that. 
One of the toughest parts of training here is answering all those questions with a NO. 
This is the only place where I am my own company.  It's a battle with my conscious saying "Stop. You're going to hurt yourself." No I am not.  I am only making myself better but, I want to stop.  I need to stop.  If I stop I'm a pussy.  If I stop I will not even be able to look at myself in the mirror.
 The pain is back.  Everything burns.  My lungs, my legs, my left ankle every third step, my right should every stroke.  I'm pretty sure if I stop it may hurt more.  I love it here.  I hate it here. 

During my time in the "pain cave" I often make the most mornic things make sense. I can virually justify anything, especially if it means I can back off. However, this time I think I hit on something a bit. One of the songs tha meant so much to me for all the opposite reasons it does now was on my Ipod. I was hurting too much to focus on changing it. Pink Floyd performed Comfortably Numb.  I applied it here.  See if you agree...

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

O. K.

Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.


Welcome to the balls of the winter training.